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likethelight) wrote2018-03-04 09:09 pm
likethelight) wrote2018-03-04 09:09 pm
Apps: Personality weaknesses and struggles
When Allen initially joined the Order, he was held together solely by his promise to Mana ("Don't stop, keep walking") and his oath to be an Exorcist and exist for akuma in order to make Mana's death (and his destruction of the akuma Mana) mean something. In the Mater arc, he admits to Kanda that it's pathetic perhaps, that he lost what was precious to him long ago. Later on when he gives Krory advice to make Eliade's mean something by becoming an Exorcist—struck and reacting far more strongly than he usually had up until this point by the similar chord it struck in him—Lavi lampshades it later by telling Allen it was maybe not the best advice, not a terribly inspirational thing, but at least it would be enough to be a "reason". It makes Allen a very hollow character existing for just that reason alone for the early part of the series.
Shortly after that, his entire worldview is thrown into chaos by meeting the first of the Noah, Road Kamelot, who reveals that she—who is tied to the Earl whom Allen considers inhuman and thus bears an absolute hatred for—is human. Allen who has sworn to never fight humans, but now has to struggle against the notion that the Noah are his enemy and thus he has to as an Exorcist. Especially when combined with the loss of sight temporarily in his left eye after that, he realizes what a terrifying, lonely, and brutal sort of existence it is for the rest of them, as their easily identified coats exist to make them targets for akuma. And without the sight like he has, it means they have to distrust every human that approaches them—and strike to kill on instinct, something that absolutely horrifies Allen at first.
However, even without his sight, he does. Shooting a little girl who approaches him crying before he could tell with 100% certainty if she was an akuma or not (she was). He reflects to himself on this point that for the sake of being an Exorcist, for this path—he will bury a part of his heart then in order to continue.
(Most recently it was just revealed in the fanbook by Hoshino that this series of events and the moment Road taunted him that "an Exorcist shouldn't cry over a dead akuma, should he?" was the moment he actually decided he would one day have to leave the Order as well.)
That said, for the entire series he struggles against the notion of how to fight the Noah. Even when later fighting Tyki Mikk and remarking that if he had to for his friends he was prepared to kill him—ultimately his Innocence evolved again into a weapon that would allow him to both potentially stop and save Tyki from his own Noah. Even if it didn't, it's the two sides Allen always tries to straddle throughout the series. He will always hate having to fight humans, even if he will bury his own pain if he has to in order to protect others.
Additionally, regarding his need to save everyone he can—it's something Lenalee outright calls him out on, slapping him and remarking that he's selfish the moment he risks his own life to attempt to stop an akuma from self-destructing, given he never even thought of his comrades and how that would make them (her) feel. Especially with the most recent reveal of when he decided he would have to leave the Order one day, and how he left later on, while his motives might be altruistic they're ultimately selfish and rarely factor in how people will feel. It's not to be misunderstood as him not being conscientious, he is incredibly so and will always after he's lost his temper with someone (Fou) feel guilty about later on and apologize for—but he continually buries his own feelings and sense of self in order to exist for the things that are important to him, even when knowing how much that will hurt someone, usually Lenalee. (On the Ark she remarks how cruel it is how he always smiles the way he does, because he knows exactly what they're feeling and what effect that smile has.)
Additionally, contrary to what most shounen protags realize in their development, the moment when Allen realizes how precious his comrades have become to him, how much he has an oath to fight beside them too now—he realizes it in conjunction with how they'd blinded him to his original love and purpose, the akuma. And while he comes to the conclusion to exist for them both, humans and akuma, that both are precious, ultimately he's also pushing them back a little and standing out once again as someone separate from them and fundamentally by himself. While they are so dear to him and while he will be friendly and engaging and social (with them and with cr in games)—he also holds himself very much at arms-length from them when it comes to his true thoughts and motives. Sharing is something he only ever does in very cursory, general, and usually sugar-coated ways. He self-narrates at one point later on in canon about how, when he said something reassuring to Lou Fa and seemed so brightly certain and positive of what he was saying that he "says those words like a charm". Pretending things are going to be better than they probably actually are and having a blind faith in that which honestly allows a lot of the horrible things that end up happening in canon to happen, highlighted in particular the moment he strikes himself with his own sword believing he won't be harmed—but of course he is and it causes the Noah memory in him to begin to fully awaken and sets the entire Alma arc into motion.
He's also the sort, in very current canon, to rock literally back and forth and chant "I'm okay" during a moment when his Noah awakening is threatening to overcome him. It's not the picture of mental stability.. and in fact in recent chapters, until literally the last few where he realized the importance of his bonds still with his friends even if he had left the Order, has lost much of his control over himself due to the absolute terror he has of hurting someone if he becomes the 14th—which becomes reality when he does severely wound Johnny and he briefly loses it and once again tries to reject his and Kanda's help and flee.
Ironically too, despite being a kind-hearted person who is very good at understanding people's reasons and emotions, his knee jerk reactions to certain things and people frequently lead to tragedy. He realizes this himself in regards to the Third Exorcists, after hearing how their background was from Link realizing that instead of disliking them for what they were, perhaps if he'd tried to understand them the events of the Alma arc would be different—and that perhaps if he tried to understand Nea instead of hating and fearing him, maybe that would change something as well. Tyki highlights this in particular regarding his stance on Innocence and the Noah in general, calling him out on his blinded view of his own Innocence, of essentially being two monsters and not wanting to understand either or what he even is—and what chaos and misery he's created for all of them because of that. As empathetic and wise beyond his years Allen can be in some regards—he's incredibly immature still. (For serious matters like this, and for comedic lulz with Kanda and Lavi.)
Most recently with his departure from the Order and having Johnny and Kanda catch up to him, he cannot accept help willingly regarding his deeper inner demons and occasionally has to be dragged kicking and screaming into it (literally). And when Nea fully took over his body and Allen found himself in Nea's dreamworld and saw Cross there, he was about as shattered as we've seen him since Tyki originally destroyed his Innocence and Bak suggested he might no longer be able to be an Exorcist anymore. Reverting to his child self briefly when it was suggested by Cross this might finally be it, that it would be easiest probably if he just faded away peacefully with his memories of Mana. What, originally, were the only things still precious to him and what were his sole reason for even bothering to continue existing early in canon (as when he was 10 right after he destroyed the akuma Mana he spent the entire winter not speaking and essentially wishing he was dead). And for a moment he is torn—before he remembers his promise to Lenalee, and reaffirms that oath with a new one.
Thus, while he breaks repeatedly throughout the series (more times than I mention here, but these are the highlights since it could go on forever and I'd honestly just have to bullet point it), it's always immediately followed up by reaffirming to himself his oaths and why he exists—something that changes throughout the series and reflects who and what is important to him. Something that is reflected as well by the physical appearance of Crown Clown as it takes the shape that reflects his heart (what Bak comments his early form was so clunky because his heart was in such disarray and unknown to Allen himself, reflecting how he's still a young boy)—which is also likely why its appearance is so wild and chaotic lately. And something that is reflected by how with each moment of development he has from that he becomes a little less fakely polite; has a little bit less of that "mask of Mana".
On that note, it's ironic the thing he struggled with the most from Cross's reveal wasn't that he was the host for a Noah (disbelief and anger certainly, but didn't emotionally struggle with it so much as stick his tongue out and verbally flip off the matter before proceeding to bury his head in the sand), but that Mana and Nea were brothers was how much that threw into question why Mana ever picked him up in the first place, if Mana had ever loved him. And if that meant his entire life had just been something he hadn't chosen for himself, but had basically been predetermined by Mana and Nea (and Cross). And even so, he balked that Cross at that time told him to drop that "mask" and walk his own path—if he hasn't given up. Because what would that make of his promise to Mana?
And yet, he came around full circle on that, deciding his feelings for Mana hadn't changed, that they were what defined him, and that even when it pained him, reflecting on how Lenalee and Johnny had commented he wasn't so polite (like Mana) anymore... he also pledged at that time he would walk his own path no matter what.
However, his tendency to be a noble idiot, to shoulder everything to himself and cover it up with a smile, to think so little of himself and his own life and how that effects his friends because the oaths he's sworn will always trump, to always react with his gut impulsively, and to pretend everything is fine when it really isn't is also what has arguably led to a lot of the terrible things that have happened to him and people around him. That in trying to save everyone, he might not be able to save anyone at all—including himself.
Something that oddly it would seem he's also just made peace with, swearing now to Cross that while he may (and probably will) die or fade from existence, if he can last until the day the war ends, then at least he can hope that maybe one day it will serve as a source of inspiration to someone.
"He carried so much sadness. So much, so much, and yet... he put on a smile and set out all alone. He's that kind of idiot," as Johnny puts it.
Shortly after that, his entire worldview is thrown into chaos by meeting the first of the Noah, Road Kamelot, who reveals that she—who is tied to the Earl whom Allen considers inhuman and thus bears an absolute hatred for—is human. Allen who has sworn to never fight humans, but now has to struggle against the notion that the Noah are his enemy and thus he has to as an Exorcist. Especially when combined with the loss of sight temporarily in his left eye after that, he realizes what a terrifying, lonely, and brutal sort of existence it is for the rest of them, as their easily identified coats exist to make them targets for akuma. And without the sight like he has, it means they have to distrust every human that approaches them—and strike to kill on instinct, something that absolutely horrifies Allen at first.
However, even without his sight, he does. Shooting a little girl who approaches him crying before he could tell with 100% certainty if she was an akuma or not (she was). He reflects to himself on this point that for the sake of being an Exorcist, for this path—he will bury a part of his heart then in order to continue.
(Most recently it was just revealed in the fanbook by Hoshino that this series of events and the moment Road taunted him that "an Exorcist shouldn't cry over a dead akuma, should he?" was the moment he actually decided he would one day have to leave the Order as well.)
That said, for the entire series he struggles against the notion of how to fight the Noah. Even when later fighting Tyki Mikk and remarking that if he had to for his friends he was prepared to kill him—ultimately his Innocence evolved again into a weapon that would allow him to both potentially stop and save Tyki from his own Noah. Even if it didn't, it's the two sides Allen always tries to straddle throughout the series. He will always hate having to fight humans, even if he will bury his own pain if he has to in order to protect others.
Additionally, regarding his need to save everyone he can—it's something Lenalee outright calls him out on, slapping him and remarking that he's selfish the moment he risks his own life to attempt to stop an akuma from self-destructing, given he never even thought of his comrades and how that would make them (her) feel. Especially with the most recent reveal of when he decided he would have to leave the Order one day, and how he left later on, while his motives might be altruistic they're ultimately selfish and rarely factor in how people will feel. It's not to be misunderstood as him not being conscientious, he is incredibly so and will always after he's lost his temper with someone (Fou) feel guilty about later on and apologize for—but he continually buries his own feelings and sense of self in order to exist for the things that are important to him, even when knowing how much that will hurt someone, usually Lenalee. (On the Ark she remarks how cruel it is how he always smiles the way he does, because he knows exactly what they're feeling and what effect that smile has.)
Additionally, contrary to what most shounen protags realize in their development, the moment when Allen realizes how precious his comrades have become to him, how much he has an oath to fight beside them too now—he realizes it in conjunction with how they'd blinded him to his original love and purpose, the akuma. And while he comes to the conclusion to exist for them both, humans and akuma, that both are precious, ultimately he's also pushing them back a little and standing out once again as someone separate from them and fundamentally by himself. While they are so dear to him and while he will be friendly and engaging and social (with them and with cr in games)—he also holds himself very much at arms-length from them when it comes to his true thoughts and motives. Sharing is something he only ever does in very cursory, general, and usually sugar-coated ways. He self-narrates at one point later on in canon about how, when he said something reassuring to Lou Fa and seemed so brightly certain and positive of what he was saying that he "says those words like a charm". Pretending things are going to be better than they probably actually are and having a blind faith in that which honestly allows a lot of the horrible things that end up happening in canon to happen, highlighted in particular the moment he strikes himself with his own sword believing he won't be harmed—but of course he is and it causes the Noah memory in him to begin to fully awaken and sets the entire Alma arc into motion.
He's also the sort, in very current canon, to rock literally back and forth and chant "I'm okay" during a moment when his Noah awakening is threatening to overcome him. It's not the picture of mental stability.. and in fact in recent chapters, until literally the last few where he realized the importance of his bonds still with his friends even if he had left the Order, has lost much of his control over himself due to the absolute terror he has of hurting someone if he becomes the 14th—which becomes reality when he does severely wound Johnny and he briefly loses it and once again tries to reject his and Kanda's help and flee.
Ironically too, despite being a kind-hearted person who is very good at understanding people's reasons and emotions, his knee jerk reactions to certain things and people frequently lead to tragedy. He realizes this himself in regards to the Third Exorcists, after hearing how their background was from Link realizing that instead of disliking them for what they were, perhaps if he'd tried to understand them the events of the Alma arc would be different—and that perhaps if he tried to understand Nea instead of hating and fearing him, maybe that would change something as well. Tyki highlights this in particular regarding his stance on Innocence and the Noah in general, calling him out on his blinded view of his own Innocence, of essentially being two monsters and not wanting to understand either or what he even is—and what chaos and misery he's created for all of them because of that. As empathetic and wise beyond his years Allen can be in some regards—he's incredibly immature still. (For serious matters like this, and for comedic lulz with Kanda and Lavi.)
Most recently with his departure from the Order and having Johnny and Kanda catch up to him, he cannot accept help willingly regarding his deeper inner demons and occasionally has to be dragged kicking and screaming into it (literally). And when Nea fully took over his body and Allen found himself in Nea's dreamworld and saw Cross there, he was about as shattered as we've seen him since Tyki originally destroyed his Innocence and Bak suggested he might no longer be able to be an Exorcist anymore. Reverting to his child self briefly when it was suggested by Cross this might finally be it, that it would be easiest probably if he just faded away peacefully with his memories of Mana. What, originally, were the only things still precious to him and what were his sole reason for even bothering to continue existing early in canon (as when he was 10 right after he destroyed the akuma Mana he spent the entire winter not speaking and essentially wishing he was dead). And for a moment he is torn—before he remembers his promise to Lenalee, and reaffirms that oath with a new one.
Thus, while he breaks repeatedly throughout the series (more times than I mention here, but these are the highlights since it could go on forever and I'd honestly just have to bullet point it), it's always immediately followed up by reaffirming to himself his oaths and why he exists—something that changes throughout the series and reflects who and what is important to him. Something that is reflected as well by the physical appearance of Crown Clown as it takes the shape that reflects his heart (what Bak comments his early form was so clunky because his heart was in such disarray and unknown to Allen himself, reflecting how he's still a young boy)—which is also likely why its appearance is so wild and chaotic lately. And something that is reflected by how with each moment of development he has from that he becomes a little less fakely polite; has a little bit less of that "mask of Mana".
On that note, it's ironic the thing he struggled with the most from Cross's reveal wasn't that he was the host for a Noah (disbelief and anger certainly, but didn't emotionally struggle with it so much as stick his tongue out and verbally flip off the matter before proceeding to bury his head in the sand), but that Mana and Nea were brothers was how much that threw into question why Mana ever picked him up in the first place, if Mana had ever loved him. And if that meant his entire life had just been something he hadn't chosen for himself, but had basically been predetermined by Mana and Nea (and Cross). And even so, he balked that Cross at that time told him to drop that "mask" and walk his own path—if he hasn't given up. Because what would that make of his promise to Mana?
And yet, he came around full circle on that, deciding his feelings for Mana hadn't changed, that they were what defined him, and that even when it pained him, reflecting on how Lenalee and Johnny had commented he wasn't so polite (like Mana) anymore... he also pledged at that time he would walk his own path no matter what.
However, his tendency to be a noble idiot, to shoulder everything to himself and cover it up with a smile, to think so little of himself and his own life and how that effects his friends because the oaths he's sworn will always trump, to always react with his gut impulsively, and to pretend everything is fine when it really isn't is also what has arguably led to a lot of the terrible things that have happened to him and people around him. That in trying to save everyone, he might not be able to save anyone at all—including himself.
Something that oddly it would seem he's also just made peace with, swearing now to Cross that while he may (and probably will) die or fade from existence, if he can last until the day the war ends, then at least he can hope that maybe one day it will serve as a source of inspiration to someone.
"He carried so much sadness. So much, so much, and yet... he put on a smile and set out all alone. He's that kind of idiot," as Johnny puts it.