⛧ Aʟʟᴇɴ "ɴᴏᴛ ᴀ ᴘʀɪᴇsᴛ" Wᴀʟᴋᴇʀ ★ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likethelight) wrote2019-03-03 09:43 pm
likethelight) wrote2019-03-03 09:43 pm
IC Contact @ Deer Country
< An.Exorcist > Aʟʟᴇɴ Wᴀʟᴋᴇʀ
Text | Video | Voice | Action
( CODED BY BOOTYCALL )
( CODED BY BOOTYCALL )
( CODED BY BOOTYCALL )
no subject
You died???
[Congratulations, Allen, you just earned a once a month welfare check for life.
How's your body doing?
Do you need any help??
no subject
It's fine, it's fine! It was a month ago, I'm doing better...!
no subject
LIE]
Define better. And no I'm not being sarcastic.
[ He's self aware of the fact his texts can sound that way sometimes.You know you can reach out to me if you need help...
right?
no subject
He's mollified by that last part, and feels a touch guilty actually. ]
I know. [ Did he though? Would he? Probably not. It's just how Allen is; it's debatable if he even would have reached out to Shouto before he was at least mostly better if he hadn't been there the moment he washed back up. ] I really appreciate that.
Someone was waiting for me to come back though. He let me stay with him during the worst of it, so it's alright. Really. A lot of people helped me out, it was just hard to figure everything out for a while. Dying.
I'm still having trouble walking, but I can get by a little more easily now. Death has a price here was how it was explained to me.
I hope your other friend who died is doing better too.
no subject
[Feeling a bit foolish.]
I guess I thought you'd be able to let me know something that important.
[ Is it selfish of him to have wanted to help? Maybe? But he thought that's what friends do for each other. They're friends right? He thinks about that for a moment. Pinged by another very distant memory from what feels like a lifetime ago, the second part of his answer is delayed.]
But I'm glad someone was there to help you and that your healing. [And he really is. In fact he wants to offer more help, but he doesn't see a point in that at the moment.
Knowing, at least from his old world, what it feels like to die, its not something he wants to address particularly over text.]
no subject
He didn't, he was never alone and he never gave up or tried to shoulder it on his own because he promised Shouto he wouldn't in such a manner he couldn't in good conscience weasel out of it, the matter complicated by the fact that Shouto was the one who had contributed to his death and it was about letting him make the amends he felt he needed to as much as anything, and yet... that doesn't really change anything either. That he left Megumi, essentially, alone and in the dark. He'd hurt Sansa by not telling her right away too.
...He can be a real jerk sometimes, can't he? Even if he doesn't mean to, and he feels awful for it. ]
I remember.
You're my friend too, after all.
[ There's a pause, before another message comes through. ]
What are you doing right now?
From text to Video
[ This is so painful but he's ripping the band aid off. Switching to video. Sleepless eyes with heavy dark circles underneath come into view. Allen may have noticed he's lost a considerable amount of weight as well. Two distant green eyes look up as he puts some sort of meat down.
Allen, I had to consider what I defined as a friend. You've helped me in the past and I've always been grateful for that, but [ his tone shifts] you have a habit of saying one thing and doing another.
[ He pauses considering for a moment, that had he been in Allen's position would he have shared that? Truthfully, he's not sure and that alone propels him to act.
That and maybe the adventurous tendencies he's felt all month long.Afterall, this is his chance, to tell a truth as well.]I can't expect you to be honest with- without doing this first. I've- [he swallows hard ] died before, but not in the Trench. I was stuck in a state of suspended death after being [ eyes dart down before looking back ] unable to protect those I cared about. All I could do was leave them with something that could. [There is a long pause. Composure. ]
I know the feeling of your heart stopping and the coldness that spreads outwards as everything goes numb.[ He closes both eyes before opening them. ] It's a long drifting dark silence. If it was possible to go mad that quickly, I think I would've. [Aimless and terrifying. Black hair shakes back and forth quickly.
An audible sigh. His eyes looking forward once more]
But living a dangerous life is a selfish enough act on its own. We hurt others when we risk our lives. [Fists clentch] . The least we can do is be forthcoming about it, especially to those we care about.
no subject
Between you and Shouto, he's getting his coping mechanisms and certain mannerisms ripped wide open and exposed. Sansa too, except she has a gentler touch and is more adept at emotionally maneuvering him. It hurts, a lot. Mostly out of making him realize how his habits might hurt others, and are thus the only sort of pain he really listens to. But still, that... twists his stomach a bit in a way that hurts. Too spot on.
There's a delay in his own video feed coming on, just because he wanted to get somewhere quieter. A small and quaint sort of room with a tapestry behind him on the wall depicting a tiny golden creature and a large pale dragon. He has a small, bittersweet sort of half-hearted smile and there's a pair of crutches leaned against the table next to him. ]
You're actually a lot wiser than I am, you know. [ He says it in an offhand, simple sort of manner. With the smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. ]
Even if you also look like someone who I would have wanted to hear from sooner too. [ Hypocrite. That tired and thin appearance? Maybe you didn't die recently, but you're not doing well either. Still, he says it with that same sort of gentleness and no bite. And he pauses for a long moment, his hands clasped in his lap as he weighs something over in his head before responding. ]
...I did before here too, you know. "Died", except not quite. [ Another long pause, and he squeezes his hands together. ]
I felt myself bleeding out and getting colder for a long time until it was just dark. But the whole time, I was aware of it even if I couldn't move or do anything. Even if I didn't die... it was "death". [ Another pause. ] It felt the same this time, it just happened faster.
[ His eyes flicker, that painfully beautiful smile of his remaining fixed and the same, even something else is playing out behind his eyes. ]
It's scary, isn't it? [ Speaking softly still, but like it's also so very hard to. ]
Knowing something like that is coming and you can't do anything about it.
no subject
Self aware enough to expect the comment about reaching out, but he still stands by the fact that he did not die and he did contact him. But who knows, maybe checking in with Allen was also a way for him to check in with himself.
Ask him. He will deny it."Died." Green eyes shoot to Grey at the mention of the word. Never once leaving, believing that what he hears and what he sees are somewhat disconnected. However, he doesn't hold that against him, he understands and can empathize with the intense memories and feelings associated with touching something so personal and raw. How many times has he woken up with extreme paralysis in the dark of the night? Unsure if his time is up, or if it's just another living nightmare. Knowing is indeed the very worst part. ]
It's awful- like the kind of secret you can't unknow or un-feel. [ You're completely vulnerable, Chin dips down into the collar of his cloak. ] For some people the unknown is scary, but I find that the truth is always much more insidious. I'm not naïve. I know death is something we can't avoid, but it's hard to think about it happening to the people I care about. Just imagining how alone they feel, [ fists tightening once more ] and wishing you could help or take that pain away. [ For the first time, light green eyes soften, holding back emotion-somewhat lost in a scene from the past. ]
no subject
Hearing him say that the thing he found hard was imagining others he cared about feeling that kind of pain though... Allen's expression clears for a moment at that, chin lifting in a quiet sort of surprise. That's... ha. He'd say that makes you kind too, Megumi. Perhaps not kind, like he also perhaps picked the wrong word when calling Shouto considerate, but...
Gentle. You're both gentle people deep down. ]
...I wasn't alone this last time. [ His eyes hood thoughtfully again, pressing his fingers together as he smiles gently. ]
To me... that was the worst part. Hearing them say "don't go" and being in so much pain, but not being able to do anything about it. Even if I knew it was breaking their heart and was only going to be worse after I... went... there wasn't anything I could do to ease that pain. [ Offscreen, he clenches his hands but it only plays out in how his jaw tightens and lips thin for a moment. ]
Even being back here, I still don't know how to ease that pain. Just because death for Sleepers isn't a permanent thing... it doesn't mean there isn't a cost. That people the people we're close to don't still suffer. In some ways it's worse, even if you're there to try and help, because that grief just makes them a target for corruption and can feel impossible to fully stop. A target for suffering even more, and continuing the cycle. Grief just begetting more grief.
[ The more things change, the more they sometimes stay the same. And he smiles ruefully to himself at reflecting on that. ]
Grief like that is insidious. Where I come from, from "before"... it's the thing that just leads to further and further suffering. To what people consider "monsters". [ He shakes his head for a moment. Coming back around, before he smiles gently to Megumi directly. Apologetically. ]
I'm sorry. That's why I was trying not to tell anyone.
no subject
-That feeling of confronting your mortality, and accepting that you aren't in control anymore.
[The rogue words tumble out under his breath, more so as a thought said aloud then for Allen to actually hear. He's not sure if he agrees or not with Allen's statement, but he can relate to grief and all the monsters born from it.] .
Back at home, [ a word he doesn't use lightly] grief and anger are the major causes of cursed entities. People fall victim to something that they can't see or understand but can feel. That's how they reproduce and gain momentum. It's sad because positive emotions don't seem to have the same cascading effect and weight that negative ones do.
[A beat.]
You're the first person I've met here who's experienced death outside the Trench. So, logically I understand why you would hide that, but emotionally it's a bit hard for me to accept that. [ A long pause. Chin still buried into his collar.
I guess I- [ his eyes cast down,as he grasps for the right words before looking back up] believed that you would trust me enough to be able to tell me.
[ He's known him here the longest. Megumi is someone who is fiercely loyal to his friends. Putting his trust in someone is not something he does often, and truthfully, he hasn't opened up much to others. He isolates because he's tired of being let down, so investing sparingly seems to be the better option.]
I'm sorry if that sounded selfish. [ And he truly is as his eyes look off camera.]
no subject
...what does friendship even mean to him anymore, he has to wonder? He would have said it was like his camaraderie with those at the Order he got along with, but since coming here he's made friendships that... it's not that they're stronger, but they're different. And they are closer, more honest -- which kind of hurts, actually. How that makes him look back on the ones that were and still are so precious to him.
Was the friendship he considered he had with Megumi like the old camaraderie he viewed before, or the newer and more honest one? ]
...It isn't selfish I don't think. Or if it is, I don't mind it.
[ His gaze skims to the side, guilty and thoughtful both, and disconnected from his soft sort of smile. Heavy, but the corner of his mouth does curl up in a bit more of a smile for a second. Genuine. ]
I guess I'm just going to have to make it up to you, aren't I?
no subject
If that's the case had he unfairly put some of those expectations on to his friends from the Trench? That's selfish. Lots of questions with little space left for answers.
Pulled away from these thoughts, his eyes shift. Not just towards Allen but something gleams for a fraction of a second after hearing his offer?]
What do you mean?
[ Head cocks to the side, somewhat confused but mostly caught off guard and surprised. ]
Action (12/22)
Dear Walker,
Happy Holidays
They taste best eaten on the day they're made, so I hope you're hungry.
From
Megumi Fushiguro and Kage
[Flipping over the tag, he will notice a large black paw print.
Upon opening the present, he will see an emerald green velvet pouch. He might even be able to smell a fresh toasty aroma. Inside is a pound of neatly stacked and skewed dango, 5 to a stick. There is a light brown soy sauce topping filled to the brim in a glass Mason jar. When he finally gets a chance to taste this treat, he will find it to be light and fluffy, slightly sweet, and a bit reminiscent of a savory grilled flavor.
Remembering all those months back to the Tanabata Festival, Allen kept a steady supply of these savory sweet treats on hand almost every time he passed by! Giving him a taste of home, Megumi has prepared Mitarashi Dango knowing that Allen will enjoy the gift.
Giving instead of receiving is particularly important to Megumi, especially on this day. Today is the winter solstice, which is a celebration he has from back home. Celebrating that everyone has made it to through the darkest night of the year, symbolizing hope for brighter days to come. He hasn't told anyone that today is his birthday, but knowing he can bring some cheer to his friends gives him some peace of mind and solace. ]