likethelight | IC Contact @ Deer Country

[ Each time Allen asks, Shouto gives him the same answer. Formal in its delivery. He's been that way since he set a manila envelope down on the counter a few inches thick. Distant but focused.

He brings home dinner from one of his frequented restaurants and lays out a spread of rice, soup, pickles, salad, fish, and a few vegetable dishes. Tim gets the first serving of everything, hand delivered by Shouto himself. He spends a few minutes asking how the eggs are doing, nodding as if he can understand the mechanical squeaking. After checking on them himself, he thanks Tim for his hard work, and leaves him with a special treat - castella cake - and the eggs get a touch of heat to keep them warm. He'll take over once dinner is over, as usual, to give Tim a break.

Dinner itself is a quiet affair, not that Shouto usually offers much in the form of conversation. He eats his portion in formal silence, focused on his task. When they're done, he dutifully puts away the dishes glancing over at Allen when he broaches the topic he meant to get to after they cleared the table. ]

I have some papers for you.

[ He answers in the same even tone, and then without a word or any real reaction at all, he turns to the kitchen to drop off the dishes. He sets them in the sink that he fills with soapy water before drying his hands to pick up a heavy manila envelope that he hands to Allen on his return. ]

You should take your time to read them.

[ He says, mismatched eyes sweeping over him slowly, carefully. ]

You can sign them if you want.

[ Inside are two stacks of papers about 20 pages each. The first is a copy of the house deed Shouto spent the entire month drafting a week after waking up from his coma. The second is a courtesy copy. ]

Edited 2023-04-11 02:56 (UTC)

[ You know when he joked that he hoped he wasn't thinking along the line of wills or anything like that he didn't think there was a chance in hell of it actually being true.

Allen's at a complete loss for words as he begins to flip through the pages, taking a seat on the edge of the reading nook as he does so. Something he might hurry through if it were anything else, but with this he takes his time to read every word. He glances up rather abruptly in some stunned surprise at Shouto as soon as he realizes what it is he's reading, but says nothing and after a moment just continues to read, eyes quickly flickering left to right as he does. Was this... so the house would belong to the both of them? If something happened to him, or— no, not that, the act of having it together...

It makes his stomach turn over in a strange fluttering way. Makes it a little hard to concentrate, like he's dizzy, and when he's finished flipping through the first copy and realizes the second is the same document he doesn't say anything at first. Merely lets his hand rest against the paper, staring at the signature lines next to his palm for a long moment, before he looks back up at Shouto.

He bites the inside of his lip a little, unseen, but his expression is gentle. Hard to read. How long-- no, not how long... ]

...why has this been on your mind?

It never left.

[ There are some wounds that time does not heal. That fester in silence until there's no escaping the truth. ]

[ Oh.

Allen doesn't answer at first. The papers still on his lap, he just reaches out-- to wordlessly pull Shouto into an embrace if he was sitting close enough, and to beckon him forward so he can if he's not. Warmly and gently with thin but strong arms, but also tightly. You were suffering in silence, weren't you?

I'm sorry. ]

I'll sign them. [ He says it softly, near his ear. Anyone other than Shouto and he might say the papers aren't the important part, but the act itself has to be important to him and Allen can guess at how much thought went into the gesture and knows the bruised core it had to come from. It's not something he's about to dismiss at all since that would be dismissing his feelings, and he just sets a hand on the back of his head to press him closer as he bows his head and presses his face against his neck. ]

Of course I will.

[ He stiffens, expecting questions not arms wrapped around him, holding him tight. ]

You just got them.

[ He answers in an even tone with traces of doubt curbing the edge of his words at his strange behavior. ]

Edited 2023-04-14 23:03 (UTC)

[ Yes, he did. And Allen just smiles gently in response as his arms loosen and he pulls back lightly, so they can see each other face to face. ]

I know. [ He does sound a touch sheepish for a moment at that, before he touches the back of Shouto's hand lightly. With a softly reflective sort of expression. ]

But we also already talked about it before... in a way. How I feel about it hasn't changed. [ But Allen also seems to hesitate a touch then, his eyes drifting down to their hands. His expression flickering for a moment then and becoming a little more faraway. ]

I had a lot of time to think about it while you were asleep.

[ They spoke but without any clear conclusion. Set aside for another time leaving him to ponder the subject on his own until the snow melted making way for Spring. ]

How... do you feel about it?

[ He asks, hesitantly at first before finding his footing. Time had slipped away from them since the turn of the year through no fault of their own. It hit him hard after he woke from his coma with only Kizu to welcome him, lightning a fire inside him driving him to move. Act. So, he did. The only way he knew how. ]

You... thought about it?

Edited 2023-04-14 23:38 (UTC)

[ Tim too. Tim was also there waiting on Shouto to wake up, as Allen was afraid he might when he had to leave on excursions to Riteor's city and the Other World. Omnis couldn't be relied on, and when he stopped to realize how that might feel, waking up in the house alone after what had happened before without being sure why Allen was gone for what might be a long period of time... well, leaving Tim was the only certain message he felt like he could.

Also, someone had to feed the koi. And Tim's always been rather gleeful about it. ]

I did. [ The answer is gentle and serene, the admission coming easily to him even if it isn't something he's said out loud before. ]

Every day. At first because even though I missed you so much when it became apparent it was going to take a while... I wasn't really lonely either. Because I could still feel like you were present here. Because it's our home.

[ He hums lightly in thought, finding himself in the serenity of his own feelings and solidifying them there, as his lips curve faintly in a smile. ]

And when Fushiguro and I were cold and miserable out there, when it started to feel bleak... the thing that made me smile and feel less anxious was thinking of coming back here. Seeing you and Tim. The koi too, and Kizu.

[ He squeezes his hand gently then. In affection, but also light apology. ]

I was just so happy to finally see you that I never got to really say any of that properly.

[ The koi were well-fed when he woke up, growing fat in their den without a river to roam. Shouto recognized what Tim's presence meant even if he never spoke of it, finding the intention foolish. Omens were meant to serve as comrades during high stake missions. That too, he did not speak of, like many things that did not serve a greater purpose.

Shouto understood every turn in the road that brought them here. From turning into children with no memories of the other, to an unexpected coma, and a mission to save a friend. Perhaps that's why the distance that's grown between them seems so natural. Even Allen referring to this place as their home doesn't relieve that feeling, though it does make him look at him with naked eyes trying to decipher the meaning of his words.

It's the gentle squeeze of his hand that finally settles those anxious thoughts and he nods in understanding, accepting his words as always. ]

How did your mission go?

[ Only asking about that but nothing else, after going to such a length? That tugs a little in warning at Allen, though of course there's also a chance it's because it soothed his concerns. His expression stills, sobering a little as he studies Shouto's face, though it's hard to tell if it's from worrying about that or the question itself. He merely offers a wincing smile and shrugs lightly. ]

Mm... Like I said, it's not one that's going to really be over anytime soon.

[ After all, he had explained the basics of what happened with his trip with Megumi, and with them, Sansa, and Ezra as soon as the much more emotional reunions were over and he was done being a mess over Shouto and kissing him within an inch of his life. Riteor was too important not to, and Shouto was one of the few people he'd actually openly talk to about such things anymore. Being that Allen was of the few people who understood the true nature of that foe was that of someone corrupted, was someone he thus wanted to save, but at the same time also realized that even if they united together would be far too weak to save as they were now. Better that he be sealed for now and they find out how to become strong enough to save even a pthumerian so deeply steeped in darkness -- and who was so powerful he could crush any of them like an ant. That was the nature of even just being in the presence of him and feeling nothing but a pervasive horror and utter inferiority.

It's going to be a mission that doesn't end for a long time, because of that. Maybe never. But he watches Shouto's face carefully more than anything, and lifts a hand to let his palm rest lightly against his cheek after considering something for a long moment. ]

Would you rather I wait to sign these until tomorrow?

Edited 2023-04-15 01:49 (UTC)

[ Heroes take up the mantle of protecting civilians, taking on a mission without end. In that regard, he understands Allen when he says it won't be over anytime soon. It's something he's grown accustomed to over the years with his father running a hero agency and his schooling preparing him to become a hero in his own right.

He still thinks of Allen as a hero and the Sanctuary, the Hero agency he founded. It was, in essence, a similar concept, even if Allen viewed it in a different light.

The question earns him a second glance, quiet eyes regarding him with a thoughtful look that does little to change his expression. He turns the question over before answering. ]

Do you want to sign them now?

Edited 2023-04-15 02:22 (UTC)

[ A question with a question? Shouto. He wanted to know what you wanted for a reason. But Allen just smiles in a soft and gossamer manner, and leans in to press their foreheads together.

I want to set your heart at ease. But also: ]

I just want to spend time with you.

[ The touch at his cheek is something Shouto lets happen, the press of warmth against his forehead is something he leans into. Soothed by his words for the first time, the ice that formed around his heart begins to melt. ]

... I feel the same.

[ Allen smiles more broadly as that brings a lot more relief than he knew he needed, and squeezes Shouto's hand gently in response. In one smooth motion, he tips his head to the side to kiss his temple sweetly as he picks up the papers and sets them a bit further aside for now so as not to get crumpled. Because he also reaches out to pull Shouto down on top of him as he leans back, the movement seeming more understated by how quietly forthright and natural he is about it.

He bumps their noses lightly, grey eyes quietly intense and glittering like he's trying to see something deeper in Shouto's own. ]

Do you want to hold me too?

[ His eyes fall shut, mouth curving into a barely-there smile, accepting the kiss and the warmth it imparts. They open when he hears the shuffle of papers, and his gaze falls to what he's doing. The smile fades, but quickly twists into acute curiosity when he's pulled down.

Shouto holds Allen's gaze, assessing in that quiet way of his, trying to pinpoint what he means by that because there's only one answer he would ever give. ]

Yes.

[ He says, eyes glittering with confidence for the first time. This at least, he understands - his own feelings. Without waiting for another prompt, Shouto does just that, curving an arm around his lower spine and easily lifting him to his chest, though adds: ]

Is this okay?

[ It's what Allen understands best too, better than words on paper, and his expression softens as he's half lifted up against him. ]

Mm. [ He leans up to brush their lips together, eyes fluttering quietly shut so his attention can narrow and focus on how the slow prelude to the kiss to come feels. So he can try and put his all into it. But he doesn't at first, drawing out the contact first in nuzzling lovingly at him. ]

I missed you.

[ It isn't the first time he's said it, but his arms cross behind Shouto's neck and fold along his shoulders as he brings him down for a long kiss, soft and languid. Relaxing into the embrace as he does so and letting Shouto hold most of his weight up, not that there's that much of it to begin with. So he can get lost in the way he can still taste the tea that the other had been drinking on his tongue, unhurried and giving the kiss room to speak for itself. ]

[ Sinking into the kiss is a matter of letting go of his worry and apprehension. He breathes in the heat of his mouth, adding his own to the mix as his fingers curl around his jacket. ]

I've been here.

[ He says between breaths, feeling his quirk begin to stir in pace with the kiss. Placid, languid, and soft. Until he turns, the tables, switching positions with Allen and settling him on top to free his hands. They run through his hair, silky and smooth. He smiles fondly up at him for a moment before kissing him freely. ]

I'm sorry, I left.

[ One month spent in deep sleep. Two, if he counted the month spent searching for his mother and siblings. His fingers curl around his neck, the back of his hand brushing against the bloodstone made from his blood. ]

You don't need to sign them.

[ He answers quietly, brushing his hair back to better see his face. ]

Signing them doesn't matter.

[ He kisses him on the lips, soft and sweet, his heart filled with a deep-rooted fondness it's impossible to hide. ]

I wanted you to have them. [ To give him that option, so he always knew it was there for him to take. ] That's all.

[ Allen doesn't believe in signing such things either, truth be told. It's too artificial and removed from the matter to him and just muddies how people actually feel. It would only be important if it were important to Shouto too, was because he had put effort into it, and even then what hesitation he would have shown... all of personal feelings on the matter were shelved the instant he said it was still because of when Allen had been the one to leave before. Guilt will make him shelve his entire self in an instant like that, do whatever it takes to make amends. So saying that signing them doesn't matter--

The moment Shouto starts to shift him around Allen realizes what's happening and smoothly adapts, rolling neatly atop him as only an acrobat can. He holds himself lightly up, one side of his mouth curling up fondly as his hands thread through Allen's long ponytail, and his eyes hooding with a soft kind of affection at the way he's looking up at him. The hand on the back of his neck gets a small reflexive shiver from him that has him lightly catch Shouto's other wrist so he can press a small kiss to it, before he lets him go and Shouto brushes lightly at the bangs that are falling in front of his face. The bloodstone band heats up from the casual brush, with a warm and tingly sort of hum.

Signing them doesn't matter...

He smiles softly, drawing close until their noses lightly brush, and brushes some of Shouto's hair from his face in kind, gravity helping him for once in the endeavor. Kisses him softly at first then, before he responds. ]

I don't need papers to know how you feel about me either. Or how I feel about you... [ His head drops slightly, lips skimming along down the line of his jaw, until they find the junction where jaw meets throat and he presses a lingering kiss into the hollow there. ]

Even if next time you might go to sleep even longer.

[ He lingers, breathing out softly. ] But...

[ Allen reaches for his hand then, to squeeze with a quiet desperation that doesn't line up with the calm, soft sort of smile he has as he pulls back to look at him. ]

...can I give you my answer anyway?

[ His fingers grip the back of his neck reflexively, shivering underneath him at the press of his lips at his throat. His heart flutters in his chest, skin growing warm. It takes considerable focus on his part to keep up with their discussion instead of letting his thoughts stray as they're prone to when they get like this. ]

They weren't for me. [ He breathes through his mouth, tipping his head to the side to give him more room. ] They were for you. So, you know... it belongs to you too.

[ Shouto thought about it long after they made up, singularly aware that Allen had never taken back his words. They apologized, and life returned to what it had been, but it wasn't. Not for him because now he knew. He'd never forgotten how serious Allen had been. How he'd believed his own words.

Shouto knew what it felt like to have a home that wasn't a home. To live in a space that belonged to someone else. Who, at any moment, might come barging in with threats and demands. And while, he knew he would never do that, what assurances did Allen have? ]

So, you know you have a right to it too.

[ Oh.

That makes his head jerk up a little suddenly, caught truly off-guard for the first time. He'd misunderstood his exact intentions with the gesture, even if they were still talking about essentially the same thing. But that's a very important distinction. It was because you wanted him to felt that he belonged too.

Allen blinks, stares. A few misty droplets caught in his lashes as he tries to find a response he can only stumble for when a moment ago he was so calm and eloquent. He did know now, that he wasn't just a visitor now but part of it. It had taken realizing back then it was doing Shouto and what they both felt a disservice, that it had been what hurt him, but... it's also not something that changes overnight. It was baby steps. No longer sleeping at Sanctuary unless it was necessary and he just needed the nap, the majority of his things (not that he had many at all) being here, hanging up pictures at Christmas, rearranging things in the kitchen and being a little less tidy in general. Little things like that; the process of living.

It's a slow process more because he doesn't know how to have a home, a "normal" home, more than purposefully holding himself back from one-- and it doesn't diminish the magnitude of that gesture. That Shouto remembered and months later presented him with something like this for that purpose--

He finds his voice finally but it doesn't come with words, not at first, and he bows his head momentarily, arms trembling lightly. Half holding himself back for a moment-- and then not. Tumbling forward like a dog let off a leash, he wraps both arms around Shouto and buries himself against him. ]

Thank you.

[ Just that, whispered rough-soft by his ear as his fingers dig into his hair and he holds him close. ]

Edited 2023-04-15 23:43 (UTC)

[ The thing is, he didn't need Allen here. He didn't even need Tim to remind him of his intentions. All he needed was for Allen to know that this was his home, too. It didn't need to be his only one. And months after their first fight, Shouto still wasn't sure Allen understood that.

Every good intention got twisted into something else. The last straw was finding Tim here while Allen was gone. He thought it was strange at first, but after Allen's return and finding out the reason he left Tim behind, Shouto had had enough and gone to work. It took him week to figure out what he wanted to do, but in the end, this was the best way. Formal in a way nothing else in their relationship was. Formal in the only way he could make Allen understand that it wasn't his feelings on the line, but Allen's.

That's why, hearing him say that he'd sign it when he'd only looked at it once, Shouto knew he still didn't understand. That he might find Tim one day without Allen, leaving himself vulnerable on a mission, because he thought Shouto needed the reassurance.

That's why he hesitated.

But when Allen abruptly stops, and his gaze meets a misty one, Shouto knows he finally understood. He trembles, and Shouto holds him in his arms, kissing his cheek, his ear, his nose. Every place he can find. ]

You don't need to thank me. [ He smiles into each kiss, sweet and delicate. ]. It was yours too from the start.

[ He cups his face in his hands, gazing at him lovingly. ]

Since, I first brought you here from the beach a year ago.

[ Here he thought he was the one who needed to reassure you, when you were the one reassuring him all along. Allen laughs weakly to realize that as Shouto quietly rains kisses across his face, voice cracking, but it's a happy sound.

It makes him feel so silly, realizing that, but also leaves his heart feeling so full that the tears like out. ]

It's already been a year? [ Said breathlessly with a laugh, and he tries to catch his lips with his own the next time he kisses his cheek. Getting tangled up in trying to kiss him back too, even if he still has things he wants to say, except that he misses and just ends up knocking their noses together in a way that smarts a bit. He laughs again, sheepishly but with true joy too. Like someone sharing in a secret.

One year. Not since he "died", but since he came home. ]

I'm going to start feeling old.

Almost.

[ He nudges his chin up so he can kiss his throat at his leisure. ]

In a few weeks.

[ One year since he realized the true extent of his feelings for him. What it felt like to lose him. The ache in his chest knowing his light no longer shined brightly in this world. It wasn't a romantic feeling like how he kissed him now, but one steeped in friendship and loyalty that still ran strongly within him, even if another feeling had taken over.

It was the first time he brought him home. The first time he offered it to him - to anyone. Not in so many words, but in the gesture itself, even if he didn't know it then. ]

I'll make you a cake to celebrate.

[ The first time anyone offered that to Allen, too. Lenalee saying she hoped and believed the Order was like a home to them all was different; dear that it was, it's not the same thing. Mana had no home to offer but the offer to stay by his side was "home" enough for Allen, "home" in all the senses that mattered, but... "Allen" was not the Allen that Mana saw, and he only went with him, only decided to continue living for that reason, out of sense of obligation to give what little happiness he could to the man he had broken in order to make amends.

Shouto's always been different.

So he lifts his head to oblige him, his breath catching the moment his lips seal against his throat. Allen's fingers tighten slightly into mixed strands of red and white at that, encouraging, as he exhales a little shakily. Oh. He might like it even better like this. ]

With lemon? [ It's a soft murmur, a small and breathless request as he shifts slightly around him. ]

With lemon.

[ He agrees, dipping his head down to suck lightly at his throat without leaving a mark. He much prefers to cherish him for now, and runs his fingers through his hair, making a mess of his braid as he's prone to do these days. ]

I'll make two.

[ One for Allen. One for Tim. With their appetites and penchant for sweets, he doesn't think one will be enough. ]

You can set the table this time.

[ His lips move to his collar, sucking lightly at the bone, leaving behind a chill when there'd been nothing but heat at his throat. ]

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